Friday, September 5, 2008

Is there cheese in that?

Probably the hardest part of this experiment in food deprivation is realizing one of my age-old fears; namely that I will turn into that person (you know the type) that keeps a server at the table for 15 minutes asking them every last ingredient. The kind of person who makes their food "issues" everyone else's issue. The kind of person who feels the need to blog about their food issues.

You know the type.

I classify these kinds of people into 6 distinct categories:

Type #1: (a classic!)
"The Sometimes-a-tarian"
We used to see these types in the restaurants all the time. They come in, state emphatically that they are a vegetarian, claim the restaurant doesn't have enough vegetarian choices and then we see them eating meat off their spouse's plate. These people give actual vegetarians a bad name. They should be shot and sold as steaks.

Type #2:
"The Prosecuter"
This type tends to hold up lines grilling the teenager taking their coffee order about every ingredient in every food in the case (even though the ingredients are listed on the labels). The Prosecuter is never satisfied with the answers and seeks to fluster the teenager/defendent into admitting they don't really know what's in the food. My favorite example of this type happened just this morning. A woman approached the counter and asked, "is there cheese in that bagel??" pointing to a pizza bagel. "Yes," said the teenager. "What about that one?" pointing to an asiago bagel. "Yes," said the teenager. I began to feel a sort of empathy for the woman, assuming she can't eat dairy. The teenager tells the woman that there are other bagels not in the case that don't have cheese on them. The woman nods and keeps up the inquiry. "Is there cheese in that?" "Is there cheese in that?" Finally, she nods, points her finger and says she'll take the pizza bagel.

Type #3:
"The Reading is Fundamental Poster Child"
My wine goddess loves this type. When she used to wait tables she often dealt with customers who from either sheer laziness or perhaps legitimate illiteracy would point to an entree that says, "Chicken stuffed with goat cheese" and ask, "Is there cheese in that?"

Type #4:
"The Bait and Switch"
This type will often say, "I like everything!" when invited over to your home for dinner. Once there, they dramatically unfurl their figurative parchment scroll of allergies and food sensitivities. Amazingly, they can't eat exactly what you prepared for dinner.

Type #5:
"The Crazy Purse Lady"
This type is very close to my heart as my grandmothers, aged 96 and 99 and still kickin', gave me my first insight into the telltale characteristics. They tend to have fistfuls of peppermint candies in their purses taken in huge amounts from local restaurants. When asked about them they tend to say, "well we PAY for them, now don't we?" Seek treatment for the afflicted if you notice wads of crushed saltine packages in the bottom of the purse, as they are another indicator that the diagnosis is accurate. The discovery of little butter pads is a distinct sign that this type is well beyond reasonable treatment options.

and finally...

Type #6
"The Crazy Purse Lady in Reverse"
That's me. I go to restaurants and my bag coughs out some food I can actually eat.

1 comment:

Becky said...

My friend Jet would like to add an addendum to "The Sometimes-a-Tarian". It's called "The Bacon-a-Tarian" a vegetarian up until and just after bacon is offered.